desertwind

An ordinary friend has never seen you cry.

  A true friend has had a wet shoulder from your tears.

  An ordinary friend does not know your parents' first
names.

  A true friend probably has their phone number written
down as well.

  An ordinary friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.

  A true friend shows up early to help you prepare...
and stays late to help clean up.

  An ordinary friend gets upset when you call late.

  A true friend asks why you weren't able to call earlier.

  An ordinary friend likes to listen to your problems.

  A true friend likes to help you solve them.

  An ordinary friend behaves like a guest and waits to be
served when he or she visits.

  A true friend goes to the fridge and serves himself.

  An ordinary friend thinks your friendship is over after
a quarrel.

  A true friend knows that friendships get stronger after
a quarrel.

  An ordinary friend always expects you to be there to
help out.

  A true friend is always there to help you out.

  A true friend? Someone who sticks with you when everyone
else abandons you.

Communication in relationships comes up a lot in personal and professional coaching sessions. In their quests for a fulfilling, successful, accomplished, meaningful lives; my clients have to interact with the opposite sex - it's true. And in doing so, they often get smacked in the head with the differences in communicative style and focus of their opposite sex partner. Not knowing the most fundamental differences in masculine and feminine communication is like trying to speak American English in Ireland. A lot of information will translate; and quite a bit of it won't. So here are the basics. Take what's useful for your own professional development and self-improvement. These tips work at home and on the job.

In the most basic sense, men tend communicate by doing things and for the sake of accomplishing a task. They show affection through favors, solving problems, and physical gestures. They also expect to see a tangible outcome from a dialogue. They tend to give advice and share opinions as a gesture of affection... unfortunately women typically find this offensive.

Women, on the other hand, tend to communicate for the sake of social connection. They share thoughts and feelings; and see "bonding" as a sufficient and desirable outcome for communication. Women also tend to talk in a really elaborate, detailed verbal pattern. Unfortunately, this drives men nuts.

Married people, co-workers, and even opposite sex family members misunderstand each other - this is very common. In fact, "inability to communicate" is the number one reason cited for divorce. The good news is there are ways to improve the communication that takes place between men and women. Here are some simple tips.

• Give your partner clues about what you need. Ask simply and directly for the listening and speaking behaviors you are wanting at that time. If you want quiet listening and support, but no advice, just say so. If you want a more succinct account of a situation, ask for it (gently).

   

• Try to interpret your partner's communication via their learned rules and tendencies. Their behaviors will not translate correctly if you're using your rules to interpret them. Batman and Wonder Woman do not use the same decoder ring; neither should you.

   

• Resist the temptation to criticize their communication. For a long time society (and even researchers) looked at feminine communication as "right" and masculine as "wrong." The truth is... they both work fine. Criticism will only deepen the divide.

   

• Learn to be bi-lingual. Develop competencies in masculine and feminine communication styles, so that no matter who you talk to, and in what context, you can speak the language that works. Research proves the most successful people do.

Men

• Listen while doing something else, and provide advice and/or tactical support
• Tend to prefer direct, succinct language that is not very detailed
• Tend to be competitive
• Men tend to need make up sex before they can 'talk about it'
• Show affection by doing things for those they care about
• Talk most comfortably while side by side, or while engaged in an activity
• Focus on task needs of a situation

• Tend to listen by nodding, making noises that show they are interested, and by sympathizing
• Tend to use elaborate, detailed language
• Tend to be cooperative
• Need to 'talk about it' before they want to have make up sex
• Show affection verbally by sharing thoughts and feelings
• Talk most comfortably while sitting face to face, doing nothing else that could interfere with the dialogue
• Focus on the social or emotional needs of a situation

The importance of good health cannot be ignored. Without good health we leave ourselves susceptible to dangerous diseases and a shortened life span. Good health is fairly easy to achieve, but you must make certain changes in your life style that may seem difficult at first. The main thing to remember is to start off slowly and don't try to change everything at once.

The most important facet of good health is adequate exercise. Exercises help us achieve good health by strengthening our cardio-vascular system, strengthening our muscle mass and reducing the affect of stress on the body. To ensure that exercises do not appear to be chores, it is best to find exercises that you enjoy doing rather than those that you dread. For those who prefer to be outdoors, trekking, hiking, jogging or running may be the appropriate exercise to take up. On the other hand, for those who enjoy swimming, membership to a local pool may be the answer.

Alternate methods of exercises are slowly becoming very popular. Amongst those that are really catching on is yoga. This is a very popular form of exercise that helps to strengthen your body, helps you lose weight, and is great as a stress reliever. Another alternate exercise is Pilates that addresses the core strength of your abdominals. The main point is that whatever your interest may be, you are sure to find an alternate form of exercise that would ensure good health.

Poor eating habits are a precursor to poor health. Healthy eating is very important in achieving and maintaining good health. Those who have poor eating habits should slowly change by taking steps such as adding a small salad to your dinner, or a piece of fruit for dessert rather than ice cream. The aim is to slowly change the eating habits by making sure that the bulk of what you consume is nutritious and full of vitamins and minerals. Moderation in whatever you do is the key to success.

A primary type of food to avoid when you want to 'eat right' is processed food. We all find it most convenient to open a packet of pre-packaged frozen food and pop it in the microwave to have a complete meal. Such a meal however is far from complete and does nothing for good health.

As a healthier choice, try making several nutritious meals on Sunday night and freezing portions of them to eat next week. This way you have the convenience of fast meals but you also know what's gone into them. Just by making small changes such as this you can be eating healthier in no time.

The two big-time killers of good health are smoking and drinking. A few drinks now and again are fine, and small amounts of red wine are actually good for you, but there is no such exception for smoking. You need to reduce your drinking and you have to quit smoking. Smoking is dangerous not only to your health but also to the health of those around you. The good news is that as you quit smoking, the body commences the task of repairing all the damage that has occurred over the years.

It is easy to achieve good health. All it takes is making some changes to your diet and lifestyle. Start by taking the stairs at work instead of getting in the elevator. Or switch that favorite lunchtime meal of hamburger and fries for a wrap and a salad. Small, easy changes are the best way to start. By making these changes now you can enjoy good health well into your golden years.

How do you live your life? At cause or at effect? It is important to be aware of this distinction. It is the rare individual who always lives his or her life at cause; however, far too many of us live a large portion of our lives at effect - responding to the whims, desires or emotional states of others.

Being at cause means that you are decisive in creating what you want in life and take responsibility for whatever you achieve. You see the world as a place of opportunity and you move toward achieving what you desire. If things are not unfolding as you would like, you take action and explore other possibilities. Above all, you know you have choice in what you do and how you react to people and events.

If you are at effect, you may blame others or circumstances for your bad moods, for what you have not achieved or for the disarray of your life in general. You may feel powerless or depend on others in order for you to feel good about yourself or about life. You may think, "If only my spouse, my boss, my co-workers, my parents, my children understood me and helped me achieve my dreams or did what I wanted or what is best for me, then life would be great." If you wait and hope for things to be different or for others to provide you with results or happiness, you are at effect, or a victim of circumstances. And really, how satisfying is that? How satisfying do you think it is for others to be around you? Believing that someone else is responsible for your happiness or your different moods is very limiting and gives this person mystical powers over you, which can cause both you and the other person a great deal of anguish.

Being at cause means you have choices in your life - you can choose what is best for you while ensuring the choice is ecological for those around you, in your community and your society. That is, you consider the consequences of your actions on others, while not taking responsibility for their emotional well-being. Believing you are responsible for the emotional well-being of someone else places a heavy burden upon you and can cause a great deal of stress.

Those who live their lives at effect often see themselves as victims with no choices whatsoever. The truth is that they do have choices but have chosen not to take action. They are simply reactive to whatever is thrust upon them.

Emotions such as guilt, fear, anxiety and resentment are the result of being at effect. People at effect tend to blame others and do not take responsibility for their actions. Emotions such as these can wear heavily on a person's body and life, and can be the root cause of many physical and personal issues.

Do I always live my life at cause? No, not a chance; the great majority of the time I do live at cause. When I don't, one of the following usually comes to mind: 'There is no failure only feedback' or 'There are no unresourceful people, only unresourceful states'. Then using various personal growth techniques, such as those from NLP (neurolinguistic programming), I am able to explore other ways to achieve my outcomes or ask others for help, without being a victim to their answers.

Each morning when you get up, you can either ask yourself, "I wonder what my day will bring," or "What do I choose to bring to my day?" The choice is yours.

Are you tired of being single? Are you yearning for a heart partner, or maybe just a companion, but it's just not happening? Do you wonder why some of your friends just fall into one relationship after another? Here are some basic but powerful strategies I've used with my clients which will help you find that connection you seek and bring you joy and fun!

Firstly, WHO do you want?
Before you get yourself out there, get clear on what kind of person you would like as a partner. Take a piece of paper and write down all the qualities you want in someone - physical qualities, job, personality, etc. Now circle the things that you absolutely MUST have. No one will match the full list, so it's important you circle the deal breakers - and be clear what you are willing to let go!

Many people walk around with active radar looking for their perfect partner, but the sonar frequency is so narrow they may reject a great 'potential' before there was even a chance to connect. Imagine missing your perfect life partner just because you automatically said 'too this' or 'too that'!

Now, WHERE do they hang out?
Isn't this common sense? Yet surprisingly few people apply this strategy. Once you know who you are looking for, find out where these people hang out. If you were shopping for furniture, you wouldn't hope to find a couch at the bookstore!

If you want to meet someone who is into sports, go to sports games or join sporting/active clubs. If you want someone interested in personal development, go to seminars where you can't help but connect with people. Ongoing classes are great places to meet and get to know people, in a non-threatening environment. AND - here's the brilliant bit. By choosing a class you love, you win regardless!

Take a dancing or acting class, if those are your interests. You get to meet like-minded people, and you get six weeks to develop a relationship to find out if you'd like to get to know them better. Not like a bar where you get an hour under the influence of alcohol.

Invitation time
You found someone you connect with - or where there's a potential connection. What's next? The most important step people miss, is to 'ask'. Actually invite somebody! You can't just drop hints or hope they will notice you. If you spot someone even remotely like someone you want to spend more time with, ask them. Put yourself on the line. Hoping for a date won't get you nearly as far as asking for one.

Think of an activity you really enjoy doing, and would like some company for, and ASK. "Would you like to go to Centennial Park and bike ride sometime?" "Would you like to catch a movie? Have you seen (favorite actor)?" "I know this place with awesome coffee. Want to get together for a latte?" One exercise I do with my coaching clients is to have them ask out 10 people and get at least 2-3 nos. Why don't you try this? Keep on asking and it gets easier.

Have fun
DO NOT treat every date as if they are an interview for a life partner - yes, you know who you are! Rather than focussing on "Could this be the one?", focus on spending time with them and having fun. Do something you really want to do with them. If the date doesn't work out, thank them for their time and let them know it won't be happening again. If you had a great time, go out again. If you didn't, ask some else out. As you can see - this is not rocket science. But as a wise man once said to me: "If you don't do it, it won't get done."

Did you know that researchers can predict what your energy will be like in the afternoon and evening by knowing your habits in the morning? This is because how you start the day is so powerful in determining the kind of day you are going to have. Just think about your start to the day. Do you wake up tired or refreshed? Do you get enough sleep? Do you feel stressed, scattered and negative, or calm, focused and optimistic? Do you eat protein and fiber for breakfast, or do you consider a Krispy Kreme donut the breakfast of champions? I hear it all the time. People are overstressed, overtired and overworked. They are desperately searching for energy. That's why Starbucks did over $5 billion in säles last year.

Well, if you've been reading my newsletters, you know I believe there is a better way. Energy drinks are like the energy mafia. Too much coffee takes you on an energy roller coaster ride that isn't any fun. Stimulants, pills, energy gels and high sugar food only provide a quick fix. There is a better way, and having coached thousands of people, I know it works. The power and energy to improve your life starts with your morning habits.

As I traveled the country doing seminars and talking to many of you over the phöne or via email, it became crystal clear that we need practical tools and a practical plan to start our day with more energy. So many of you were screaming HELP! So hëre are some tips to answer your SOS calls.

Action Steps:

1. Don't hit the dreaded snooze button. Give yourself time to engage in an energizing morning. Instead of stressing all morning, you'll have time to fuel up with energizing habits.

2. Eat a breakfast (Mom's been telling us this for years) high in protein and fiber. Eggs are great. Fruit and oatmeal are wonderful. Even whole grain toast with almond butter will kick-start your metabolism and sustain your energy.

3. Practice gratitude. When you are thankful you can't be stressed.

4. Do 10-15 minutes of walking, jumping rope, yoga, etc. each morning. It doesn't sound like much but it will make a huge difference. I just heard from an attorney who took my advice and started doing this each morning, and it has changed his entire day and enhanced his performänce.

5. Take energizing breaths throughout the morning. Inhale for 3-4 seconds and exhale for 3-4 seconds.

6. Drink a cup of water when you first wake up to replenish the water you lost throughout the night. With each sleeping breath, you losë water.

7. Go to bed earlier and get more sleep. How you start the day actually starts at bedtime. Everything and I mean everything in your life improves when you get more sleep.

- By Jon Gordon

As human beings, we’re creatures of habit. No wonder making a major life
change is so hard! But it can be done. Follow these steps to get your
change in motion, one easy step at a time:

1. Identify the price of maintaining the status quo. Not making the change
you know you need to make is costing you. Do some soul searching; consult
with trusted allies, or journal to yourself to uncover the payoffs you’re
receiving, and the prices you’re paying for maintaining the status quo.
When you get that the price of not making the change is greater than the
payoff, you'll be more committed to moving forward.

2. Create a reserve of everything. We don’t always have to make a
difficult change from where we are nöw. If we have issues with monëy,
time, space, emotional support, skills, etc., make a plan nöw to get more
than you need in these areas, creating a stronger foundation from which to
launch in your new direction. Keep in mind that it’s better to be
over-prepared and arrive at your destination than to fail because you were
just a hair short of having what you needed to get there.

3. Forgive self-judgments. Guilt is rampant in our culture. So is the
vendetta against selfishness. Suffering is supported and nurtured by
friends, family, religions, etc. So it’s not surprising that many of us,
deep down, don’t feel we deserve to have what we want. For example, maybe
you feel you’re not good enough or deserving of the life you really want.
Or maybe you feel that the change you’re about to make will hurt someone
close to you. Or you may feel that you’re not smart enough, resourceful
enough, bold enough, or just plain "enough" to make this change.
Acknowledge these judgments, then forgive yourself for holding these false
perceptions about who you really are. Because the truth is, they are only
ideas, many of which are irrational, and you will create yourself each
moment based on the new idea you hold about who you are.

4. Stop complaining. Are you complaining about being in the situation
you’re in? Are you blaming others? Or have you accepted full
responsibility for your situation and just beat yourself up for not making
the change? If any of the above are true, you are playing the victim and
you’re forfeiting your power to make the change you say you want. Even if
you’re blaming yourself for not being happy or for not having the courage
to make the change, then part of you is beating up on another part of
yourself, hence there’s a victim in there somewhere. To the degree you
play the role of victim, you losë power you could be using to move
forward. So get behind yourself completely and own your full power to
create the life you desire, no matter what.

5. Give up analysis that breeds paralysis. We are so conditioned to figure
things out before we leap, that sometimes we become paralyzed to take the
actions our bodies are directed to take from the beginning. This is
particularly true if you’re an engineer, scientist, or other type of
technical person who experiences the world more through analysis than
through feeling. If you’re stuck in a thinking pattern rehashing the same
ideas over and over, trying to figure out what will happen, then you’re
stuck in a mind-loop. It’s time to quit thinking and start doing. Feel in
your body what it wants to do, then just do it! The information you’re
seeking may only be available after you take action anyway. Wisdom often
comes from experience, not from analysis.

6. Develop a compelling vision. Leaving a longstanding relationship or a
long-time career can be very frightening. This is because if what we have
is all we see, then to give it up means we’ll have nothing left. This is a
terrible illusion. New opportunities, relationships, resources,
connections, and ideas always rush in to fill space in our lives. But
first, you have to make the space for something new, and second, create a
clear vision of what your life will look like once your change is
complete. The vision of your new future eliminates the fear of the
unknown--which can keep you stuck for a long time! Your vision will förm
the matrix on which you will create your new life and give you the
inspiration and courage you need to move on.

7. Risk failure. Does your fear of failing keep you stuck? If so, define
what failure looks like to you. Imagine the worst possible thing
happening. Can you live with that? Can you make course corrections before
it happens or after it happens? The answer is almost always "yes." So,
please, do yourself a favor, remove the word "failure" from your
vocabulary. Realize that each action simply yields a result--one you want
or one you don’t want. Use this as feedback from the universe and take the
next logical step. From this perspective, mistakes are just indications of
a course correction and not to be taken personally. Pilots are checking
their compass all the time and making course corrections based on this
feedback. They’d nevër get anywhere if they took every off-course reading
as a personal failure. Give up the concept of failure and take flight!

8. Recruit your inner warrior. Within each of us there is an instinctual
aspect built for bold, decisive action. It looks out, not only for our
survival, but also for our soul’s mission. It sends messages in the förm
of feelings in your body. They may come as "gut" feelings, or just a sense
of "knowing" that has no rational foundation. If you’re facing a difficult
change, and have "contemplated" yourself into a corner, it may be time to
let your inner warrior take over for a while. Just act "as if" you "know"
what to do, then do it without thinking about it until after it’s done.

9. Get support to help you through the change. Big life changes can be
overwhelming. There’s no shame in asking for help from friends, relatives,
or from a coach. In fact, enough of the right kind of support can make a
seemingly difficult change, relatively easy. For me, being a former
lone-ranger, asking for and accepting help from others was difficult at
first, but really nice once I got used to it. Nöw I wouldn't think of
starting a major project or making a big change without relying on my
support system of close and loving friends, and my coach. Do whatever is
necessary to make change easy on yourself. You’re worth it!

10. Don’t go to your deathbed wondering what would have happened if....
It's easy for us to forget how short our lives really are. Many of us live
as if we’ll nevër die. We waste away our hours and days working jobs we
hate, living just for the weekends, or "putting in time" until retirement,
living most of our lives like zombies. We may live in a relationship that
is draining and disempowering thinking it might magically get better
somehow, someday. We deny our feelings or make excuses for frittering our
lives away. This is insane. Stop it nöw! Our lives are so precious and so
short. I challenge you to project yourself forward to your death. It’s
real and it’s coming for you! See yourself on your deathbed and ask
yourself if the life you’re living nöw is all you dreamt it to be. Write
your own obituary today. How close are you to living your passion? Let
this vision be a motivator to get off your butt and follow your dreams!

- by Steve Davis 

Strange but true: When trying to make life changes, most people violate the most fundamental law in all of psychology. 

It's called the “law of effect,” and it simply states that actions resulting in rewards are strengthened and likely to recur. Sound obvious? Yes. Everyone does it? No. In fact, most people do the opposite.

Consider the dieter who sticks to her diet for two weeks, and then has a setback by eating ice cream. She should reward herself for two weeks of solid progress, forgive her minor setback, and get back to focusing on her diet. But it is a far more common reaction to mentally beat herself up for "breaking" her diet, give up, and pig out.

The same process happens all the time for people trying to quit smoking, build businesses, or make any kind of life change. Instead of rewarding progress, we overlook it. Instead of forgiving our setbacks, we dwell on them, and use them as reasons to quit.

One way to avoid this tendency is to create a system of rewards for your own personal success, a technique psychologists call “contingency management.” Research shows it is one of the most powerful techniques for personal change, but one of the least commonly used. It has proven effective in aiding all kinds of life changes, including:

  - Weight loss
  - Smoking cessation
  - Battling depression
  - Boosting confidence
  - Writing productivity
  - Sticking to prescribed medical regimens

Self-rewards are easy to set up. Identify an important goal, and a few rewards that you value, perhaps dinner at a nice restaurant, an afternoon hike, a small shopping spree, etc.  If the goal is relatively modest, then reward yourself for achieving the goal (a “bonus” system). If the goal is more ambitious, identify a key milestone (e.g., making it halfway) or some measure of progress (e.g., ten hours of goal-directed work per week), and reward yourself for that progress. This is called a “piece-rate” system.

Consider a few examples. Writer Jack London committed himself to writing at least 1000 words a day, and rewarded himself by drinking in saloons. No 1000 words, no booze. For him, it was a very motivating system.

In institutional settings like mental hospitals, psychologists often create formal reward systems called “token economies.” Patients receive plastic coins or tokens for engaging in appropriate behaviors such as getting up on time, cleaning their rooms, or cooperating with others. They can then “spend” those tokens on rewards like watching TV, taking trips into town, or upgrading to a nicer bedroom.

If you try to create a formal self-reward system, you'll find the most common stumbling block is “contract infidelity” – making a self-reward plan, but not sticking to it. Usually this means giving yourself the reward without accomplishing the goal.

To avoid this problem, try the “refund & deposit” technique. Suppose you want to lose 10 pounds. Give a good friend $500, and have him or her return the money at the rate of $50 per pound lost. This system rewards progress, minimizes contract infidelity, and makes instant gratification a positive force for change.

There are many natural rewards to losing weight, like looking and feeling better. Unfortunately, those rewards are months into the future. Pizza, in contrast, can be delivered in 30 minutes or less. The deposit-and-refund method makes instant gratification work for you -- lose just one pound, and get an immediate reward.

This process can work with small amounts of money, and brings other success dynamics into play, like public commitment and social support. Consider this example from a college student who applied the deposit-and-refund method to his goal of participating more in class:

     “I gave a good friend five dollars... He would give it back to me one dollar at a

      time after he had checked my records... to see if I had spoken up in class according

      to my goals. Two other friends... displayed a lot of interest in my self-modification

      plan, and this put some social pressure on me. They would also compliment me

      when I reported my results... They seemed to set off a positive emotional response

      in me that was very motivating.”  (quote from from Watson & Tharp's Self-Directed

       Behavior: Self-Modification for Personal Adjustment). 

This technique can have lasting effects. One study found that weight lost using this process was maintained for a year, even though the self-reward period lasted only a few months. For even greater effectiveness, identify a group of friends with similar ambitions, and use the deposit-and-refund method as a team.

The bottom line: People who reward their progress achieve more, and are happier, than those who don't. It doesn't matter whether you reward yourself informally, or use the deposit-and-refund method. What matters is avoiding the common pattern of overlooking success, and beating yourself up over setbacks.

by Dr. Stephen Kraus, Success Scientist